Resolving to Make Changes

So here we are in 2012.  Have you made your New Year’s resolutions yet?  How many?  Are they new ones, or recommitments to last year’s?

This desire to improve, to make ourselves better, is so ingrained that many of us repeat this process of personal and professional assessment every year.  And, despite this drive, we all have stories of our failure at accomplishing what we set out to achieve.  What gets in our way then?

We don’t go far enough.

If you are serious about reaching your goal -- less weight, more exercise, healthier eating, more delegation, more speaking up in meetings -- you have to go deeper with yourself .  Once you’ve set your resolution, ask yourself these questions:

1. What will I do (or not do) to keep me from more fully realizing my commitment?  How will I sabotage my efforts?

You know what this is.  And, you can’t take the easy way out and put all the blame elsewhere for your busted resolution.  This is about taking responsibility.

1. Now think about your answer to question 1.  Imagine you actually did overcome what you said would get in your way.  How do you feel about that?  Can you identify a fear, or at least some discomfort, that is associated with doing something other than what you said in your response above? 

That uneasy feeling is at the heart something else you probably hold very dear.  Something else that is important to you and that actually prevents you from making the change you set out in your resolution.

What you’ve just done is to create a much more detailed picture of the reasons why you are likely to have difficulty sticking to your resolution.  It’s not because you have no willpower or are undisciplined.  There is an integrated system of reasonable, but rival, promises you have made to yourself.

So now what?

For one thing, notice what you have: a map of the dynamic tension that keeps you from what you say you want.  Good news: You’re not alone in this.  We all have these tensions and internal contradictions that don’t seem like contradictions because we don’t usually pay attention to them like this.

For another, if you are serious about making progress against your resolution, you now have to upset this balance you’ve just described.  To do this, see if you can identify what is it that you accept about yourself, without question.  

This will be the idea or feeling that is beneath all your work in question 2 above.  What is it that you believe about yourself that makes it possible for you to hang onto the commitment that counteracts your resolution?

Now you’re getting somewhere.  This is the level where you can begin to make lasting change.  Look for safe, small experiments you can run to begin shifting your perspective.  Don’t try to do everything at once.  Little changes in the way you conceive of yourself and your world can have outsize impact.

This is messy and really hard.  Creating change always is.

Adapted from How the Way We Talk Can Change the Way We Work by Robert Kegan and Lisa Laskow Lahey.

Big Assumptions

When you find yourself saying something should be a certain way, you’re in a big assumption.  When you believe you have a lock on the way it has be done, you’re in a big assumption.

When there, you can be certain you’re in for a challenge from someone.

Big assumptions, also known as mental models, are the stories and images we carry around with us all the time.  They are what make it possible to navigate the world.  They act as guideposts, allowing us to make sense of what is going on around us.

They come from all the important influences that go into making us who we are, and are a result of the way the brain operates.  As a self-organizing, patterning system, the brain looks for information that fits into and reinforces patterns it already knows, and discards data that doesn’t quite fit. 

Consequently, these stories and images are inherently flawed.  They blind us to other ways of seeing.  Other ways that are equally legitimate but that come from different experiences, different backgrounds, different ways of thinking and making sense.

Why is this important?  Because many times when we are caught in challenging and unsatisfying conversations it’s because we’re locked in a battle over mental models trying to assert we are “more right” than the other person.  So much of our poisoned discourse today is a direct result of big assumptions too tightly held. 

Occasionally, we do have the more legitimate perspective, but usually there is no one right answer, no single, simple truth.  If there was, we wouldn’t be in this predicament.

This is a big reason we have a conversation in the first place: to explore each others’ big assumptions; to be curious and to learn something about ourselves.

Really?  Isn’t conversation mostly about convincing the other person that she’s wrong?

(Embedded in that question is its own mental model about what conversation is supposed to do.)

This idea asks us to shift from a teaching and telling mode to a learning stance.  Learning can be scary; it can make us seem vulnerable.  What if I’m not as right as I believe I am?  What if by opening myself up to other ways of thinking and seeing I decide I want to change my mind?  Where am I then?

Well, you might have learned about the limits of your thinking, and in so doing further clarified your own perspective.  You may find that the source of the disagreement is a set of unshared assumptions about what is important.  You may be missing some vital information.  All this may be true for the other person as well.  

The lesson in all this is to hold our big assumptions (or mental models) gently.  We can’t get rid of them, nor do we necessarily need to change them.  Recognizing that they exist and developing the ability to be curious about them can open up a way of growing out of the repetitive cycle of destructive conflict that bogs down so much of our organizational lives.

Porter's Evolved Thinking on Strategy

I came across a really interesting excerpt from an interview with long time strategy hotshot, Michael Porter.  He’s asked for his experience on why organizations get it wrong so much of the time when it comes to strategy.

What strikes me most is the huge amount of wisdom, much of it running counter to common practice, that Porter is able to share in these few sentences.  Ideas like:

• Competitive advantage results from paying attention to both the supply (value chain) and demand (value proposition) sides of the house.
• Success comes when you figure out what makes you different from everyone else, not when you try to be like them.
• Significant barriers can be found both within and outside the organization.  Internally these are things like skewed incentive systems and faulty decision-making processes.  Externally, these are the consultants and “experts” who want to push individual companies to look like their view of what is best-in-class.
• Short term-ism is death for strategy and creating value.

And, in the category of stuff he’s been saying since the very beginning, Porter emphatically reminds us that 

1. Many executives don’t even recognize they don’t have a strategy, and
2. Strategy is as much about what you don’t do

Giving Feedback

Clients have been asking me for some guidance on how to give feedback -- a hard conversation if there ever was one.  While every situation is different, here are some ideas to help you give shape to the interaction and to stay on track:

Start with PREPARATION

• Never go into these interactions intending to wing it; do your homework
• Make the conversation about learning, sharing, and problem solving
• Be clear on your main message(s) and where you would like to end up
  • Keep the number of these messages small; this will help you to maintain focus
  • Difficult conversations are not about finding the Truth or establishing Facts, but are rather about discovering what’s important (to you and the other person)
• Think about what’s at stake for you in this conversation.  What makes it difficult or challenging for you?
  • What do you need to do to support yourself through it?  Remember, this is about learning, not being perfect
• Recognize your emotional triggers.  Remember, no one can “make” you feel anything.  Choose your feelings appropriately and help them to work for you (or at least not against you).
  • Disentangle your feelings from the issues

Who goes first is not a hard and fast rule.  Given that this is a formal feedback conversation, it makes some sense that you as manager would offer some initial observations.  Still, I can imagine scenarios where you begin with a question, asking your team member what she is interested in talking or hearing about.  This can help you both get into a listening frame of mind right from the start.

Learn their story.  Be interested in what’s important to the other person.  Be curious.  Ask questions.

• Acknowledge the feelings behind the arguments and accusations.  This is not the same as agreeing with the other person.
• You may need to work on making it safe for them to open up (if that is appropriate in the circumstances). Especially think about language choices.  Avoid “Yes, but…” which is just another way of saying “No”, or “You’re wrong…”

Share your story.  Connect your point of view (where possible) to their needs, assumptions, values, and perceptions.  

• Tell your story as your own experience rather than some irrefutable set of facts.  Share your data.  Name your assumptions, stories, and hypotheses as such.  
• Have you contributed to the situation at all?  If so, it can be very powerful to acknowledge this.

Be open to the possibility that where you initially thought you wanted to go may not be where you wind up.  There may emerge some very good reasons to adapt your expectations.  Just make those adjustments intentionally and thoughtfully.

Pay attention to possible derailments.  Gently and respectfully direct the conversation back to its original topic.  Common derailments include:

• Defensiveness
• Changing the topic
• Deflecting the conversation toward you or another person
• Extreme emotion

If the person gets emotional, let them have their reaction.  Be supportive of the person and firm in your message.  These are not mutually exclusive outcomes.

Feedback is information about the past, shared in the present, and that may influence future behavior.

• The person you are talking to has to want to change.  You can’t make them change.
• Figure out together what is needed to create the conditions for the change you are seeking

Simple Design in a Complex World

I facilitated a meeting today where a thoughtful, simple design for the session really paid off.

The client is just starting a major IT project that will alter (in a good way) how most of their activities are carried out.  A big deal for them.

The project leaders genuinely wanted input from the people who were invited to the meeting, but hadn’t had much success engaging this audience in the past on similar, less extensive projects.

The audience was made up of the people who would be the main users of the new system.  I couldn’t imagine how this bunch wouldn’t be chomping at the bit to have a say in what it would do and how it would look.

Reflecting on what happened, I discovered a handful of principles were at play.

Be clear on your intended outcomes, and don’t be too ambitious.

Here, we wanted simply to bring everyone to the same understanding of what the new system would do, and give people the chance to tell the project team what they thought was missing from the current concept.

DO something to establish the tone you want, don’t just declare it.

This doesn’t have to be a big deal.  However, if you want a conversation with people, you can’t start off a meeting with 60 minutes of PowerPoint.  (You should never have 60 minutes of PowerPoint, but that’s a topic for another time.)

Instead, ask people to talk to one another about their expectations for the session.  Voila!  You have conversation!  Now you can dump a little bit of content on them and they are ready to talk back to you.

Allow space for people to engage with the content and with each other.

This means don’t over-engineer the agenda.

Express appreciation for everyone’s time and interest, and be committed to follow up.

If the people who just gave you the benefit of their best thinking don’t see you taking it seriously, good luck getting them to come to your next meeting.

That’s it.  The session was a home run.  Everyone in the room left excited about the work and ready to play their part.

One of the many paradoxes of this work is that the more complex the setting and the higher the stakes, the less rigid the design of the session should be.  That’s not to say you shouldn’t be rigorous in your upfront work, but you also need to relax your grip on the agenda and outcomes in case the group needs to go somewhere else.